Highlights of the Day:
We prepare for the Fourth and final glorious week of Advent
Titans Clinch anything there is left to clinch by soundly defeating the men in yellow and black.
My sister goes Cosmic Go-Carting i.e. literally the coolest thing in the world except maybe Cosmic Go-Carting with a machine paint ball gun mounted on the hood.
And NOW for my weekly, and highly anticipated rant.
I am quite certain that my freshly laundered socks are to date the most convincing evidence of the Universal Law of entropy and the Second Law of Thermodynamics. The isolated system – my once impeccable collection of warm, wooly soft smartsocks, is quickly approaching a maximum value at equilibrium which is of course my father who is at this very moment shuffling around the house with a deep purple tube sock from Chadwicks on one foot and a signature Martha Stewart oven mitt on the other foot. My Dad currently has a collection of approximately 300,000 socks – absolutely none of them remotely matching in either color or length. This is regardless of the fact that, spiritually speaking, Dad only believes in wearing black socks.
How hard can this be? I shouldn’t say the word “never” but I think it is safe to say that I have “never” worn one sock on one foot without wearing at least one other sock on the other foot. This SHOULD mean that no matter what, if I do my homework and eat my wheaties , I should always have an even amount of dirty and/or clean socks. Nay, I am currently about halfway towards my own value of equilibrium, as today I opened the dryer only to find that:
1.) Only about 15% of my socks could still be matched
2.) Only 17% of my socks could be recognized as mine
3.) Only 17.3% of my socks could be recognized as socks
4.) One of the socks was on fire
I asked my dear Shanna about this, and her theory goes as such:
1.) That at any given day there are 34.5 million socks stuffed into washers and dryers
2.) Dryers are, by nature, sock eaters – literally, they FEAST on socks
3.) Particularly festive socks are especially attractive to “dryer monkeys” who reside in dryers and live off of wooly sock tastiness.
4.) This is why the absolutely smartest and most dapper individuals are either perpetually wearing damp socks, or not wearing socks at all.
5.) Hence the term “Damp Dapper Dryer Monkey”
This is contrary to a more substantially supported theory #2 which states – socks are just like toilet paper and when washed over a period of time completely dissolve in water so that they do not clog the lint catcher.
Hence the term “fabric softener”
Of course this would all be resolved if I just threw away any rogue, matchless socks and bought new ones. But then of course any layman knows that this would then violate the THIRD Law of Thermodynamics which states that any man who throws away any socks in his lifetime might as well throw away his manhood and be banished to the land of sockless Croc wearers for the rest of his natural life.
Have a wonderful week of Advent.