Thank you Oprah

Welcome to yet another diatribe concerning two certain seemingly beneficial products for the mind, body and soul.

Enter: NYGARDA

Nygarda is of course ancient traditional Swedish which translated to English means –  “bottle’oNygarda”. But at IKEA (that grande example of true American capitalism where one may purchase absolutely genuine and original Swedish merchandise that was all manufactured in China) Nygarda is sold by the six pack. For those of us who are not Swedish or from Minnesota, IKEA was kind enough to enter a product description next to their colorful and attractive presentation. It read: “Swedish Christmas-style Root Beer”

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Ah, that’s right, say you have that seasonal hankering for a sensational combination of chestnuts, mistletoe, and root beer. Here’s a true taste from the great beyond. And I – a person of uncertain and perhaps infinite gullibility – found the jolly swedish man adorned in genuine Swedish Santa garb inviting. So I picked up a few bottles. I mean, how bad could it be? Americans for centuries have enjoyed countless Swedish contributions to this melting pot of society we call the United States. Might I point out, but not be limited to:

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The Vikings

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Swedish Vheatiess (Breakfast of Swedish champions)

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Swedish Vallhunds

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The Borg

Imagine my surprise, then when I dusted off my Swedish nightcap, lounged upon my favorite IKEA chair, and popped open an ice cold bottle of Nygarda only to find the taste and viscosity of this product similar to Aveeno Intense Relief hand cream. Turns out, after reading the fine Swedish print I found the two main ingredients in Nygarda are: Hops and Barley Malt! HOW ABOUT THAT! According to some rumored sources online (which are therefore definitely credible) one may open a fresh bottle of Nygarda in the warm sun and let it sit for an afternoon. The resulted modified mixture has the slight odor of an alcohol free Swedish beer – similar to O’Doule’s only warmer and even less masculine. All in all, I found it much less root, a little bit more beer, and all nasty. Folks, do not try Nygarda at home.

Enter product #2: NETTIE POT (GHASP!!!!!)

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The Nettie Pot could have easily stayed put in the confines of a few modern asian countries such as Thailand (literally translated, “People who are dangerously bored with their lives”) had it not been for Oprah. Oprah – who has already endorsed such fine benefits to mankind such as:

1.) Oprah Magazine

2.) Oprah: a Biography of Oprah Winfrey

3.) Oprah.com

4.) Oprah Radio International

5.) Barack Obama

6.) The rock band, Styx

… came out saying this little genie of a bottle can change your life health… FOREVER. To use a Nettie Pot, one must fill the small pot with aromatic full-grain sea salt, add a dash of Essence of Emeril, fill with warm water and…

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Awesome right? Exactly.

In fact, it was so fun for my Mom that she and my Aunt decided to corner me with hay rakes in the back yard and make me attempt this fine, Oprah-endorsed act of Nettie Potting. I – being a virtuous and benign creature of Mother Earth –  yielded  to their loud feminine demands and took the plunge.

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Just in case you’re wondering, THIS WAS A BAD IDEA. If I were to freely express the sensation of hot spiced water running out of a porcelain pot, into my one nostril, into my brain, through my eyes, up into my cochlea, and out of my other nostril, I would say that it could be best described as if one were to dive into a pool and commit a violent act of sniffing thus inhaling via nostril all the pool’s contents…  if the pool’s contents consisted of creme of tartar, pure beef bullion cubes, 409, a king-sized pack of nerds candy, and pepper spray.

The the first thing I noticed after I used the Nettie Pot was – I can’t hear, taste, smell, or see anything but pure condensed sea salt.

Of course, Mom & my Aunt looked at each other, smiled and told me, “that’s exactly how it works. Great isn’t it?”

I think I just got waterboarded by my own kin.

Thanks Oprah.

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4 Responses to “Thank you Oprah”

  1. he who is not asian Says:

    Dude, I just read this for the second time…and this was totally the funniest thing I have read all day. Fine it of ranting.

  2. Frejzch Says:

    I found this accidentally while doing an image search for Swedish Vallhunds, but you’re absolutely brilliant. Just thought I’d let you know. ❤

  3. Well, thanks!

  4. I was quietly reading in our library and when I ran into your blog (I was also looking at Vallhunds) I burst out laughing out loud. What a great sense of humor. Can’t wait to read more.

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