The Bachelor’s dilemma

“A house full of condiments and no food… how embarrassing.”

~ Fight Club


So I’m pretty much ready for my fiances’ move. This great nomadic adjustment into the Tri-state area could not come too soon, as my inability to feed myself in a pseudo-dignified way must be eradicated from my already inept lifestyle.

Although I cannot help but think with fond remembrance… the uninterrupted sequence of 14 consecutive mornings and evenings of strict Smack Ramen rations and the steady surge of monosodium glutamate streaming through my veins.


Soon over too will be my days of free-willed Kalles consumption during any sudden bouts of personal culinary curiosity whether it be in the wee morning hour or the waning light at sunset.

“What is this Kalles?” One might inquire.


Kalles is yet another fine IKEA imported delicacy (literally translated in Swedish, “One who wishes to become a societal outcast simply by ignoring the inevitable oral hygienic consequences of eating pink salty fish paste from a giant blue tube). It shares many of the same characteristics of Easy Cheese, especially if easy cheese made your breath smell like rotten cod for the duration of the rest of your entire life. One may pair it with toast, a cheesy cracker, betwixt a sprig of dill and slice of tomato, atop scrumptious English Muffin, or straight from the siphon (my preferred choice of intake). On any given Sunday, you could find me kicked back in an easy chair, catching some football madness, double fisting twin tubes of Kalles, and half drunk on Omega 3’s in complete and utter bachelor bliss.

Yeah, so those days are long gone.

THANKFULLY my beautiful days of drinking honey infused Yerba Mate are still bright and shiny.


let’s be honest, the most convincing reason to drink Yerba Mate is to sound like a PIRATE!


Doesn’t it just make you want to say, “Arrrgggg Matey, it drives me nuts!”

Really though, Yerba Mate is also very tasty. This savory concoction was originally developed by South American natives who steeped “Yerba” leaves (Literally translated from ancient Mayan, “Yer Momma”) into a semi-sweet, potent liquid treat. It can be and is often consumed either as an herbal medicinal tea or as a coffee substitute. The most authentic way to consume Yerba Mate is via a special hollow round gourd with a steel straw to strain the course Yerba leaves.


If this wasn’t hippie enough for you, Yerba Mate is also said to stir the inner nature, spike vitality, and strengthen both spiritual and physical endurance. So for you Bohemians out there, put down that Ganja and let’s pour a gourd of Yerba Mate for the sharing.

Honestly my latest obsession (I am ashamed to say as a proud conservative citizen of this great nation) is my weekly journey to my local Trader Joe’s Market.


This frequenting to such a care-free-fair-trade-trade-care-care-fair establishment will of course come to an abrupt halt as soon as my responsible fiance moves into the area. But where, O where I ask you, could one find elsewhere such an abundance of: sizzling Apple cured honey maple breakfast sausages, thick and creamy Belgian style chocolate pudding, mild soft-tomato marinated mozzarella, lean roasts of buffalo and ostrich, sweet frozen mochi ice cream, hand patted Indian Nann, exotic herbal teas, and my personal favorite, tender plump hossenfeffer?


Verily I say to thee, a whimsical sojourn to your neighborhood Trader Joe’s can prove at least mildly beneficial to one’s own insatiable appetite into a colorful culinary exploration.


So to make a short story long, I far prefer the comfort of a Tennessee home to the adventuresome roaming of the DC metro area. But while I am here, I could not be in better company than in the company of my dear fiance. And while we’re both here together, why not put the kettle on and toast a few English muffins?

I’ll drain the ramen.

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